Tough Choices

Kaisey

6/7/97 - 6/16-11

This week I had to make the hardest decision that I have had to make to date. I got a phone call from my mom Wednesday evening telling me that Kaisey wasn't doing very well. So, I drove up to Truckee that night. When I got there, there was not the normal greeting that I receive. I walked through the house to the family room and there she was, laying on the floor. No wagging tail, no perky ears; just laying there with labored breathing and a distended stomach. I laid down on the floor with her. As I laid there petting her her and talking to her, I just cried and prayed that God would take her peacefully that night. I didn't sleep at all, we just laid there. At one point she tried to get up but her hind legs couldn't support her and she fell back down. 

Morning came and Kaisey finally decided she was wanting to change locations so I helped her up and she staggered into the living room and laid down. I was going to try to get some sleep so I stayed in the family room. I couldn't sleep so I ended up checking on her every 15 minutes. She was seeming to deteriorate in front of my eyes. So, I called the vet around 730 and made the decision. Her appointment was set for 11 am so I had some more time to just sit and be with her. I took her outside at one point to go to the bathroom. as she wandered out into the trees, her back legs couldn't support her and her back end just collapsed. I walked out there, picked her back legs up and helped her back into the house. Emily came over and said her goodbyes. Mom said her goodbyes before she took Logan on a walk. Dad came home around 10. We both sat with her and talked to her. Then came time to load her up. I got her up and we walked out the back so she wouldn't have to try to make it down the front steps. Once at the car, I picked her up and loaded her in the back seat. She didn't move she laid exactly where I put her. As I was driving to the vet I just pet her and talked to her. There was many tears that fell between my house and the vet. 

When we got to the vet, I went in and got everything situated. Then went back to the car to get her. As I unloaded her, she didn't resist anything. I got her out of the car and put her down, even with assistance she couldn't walk any more. With my dad's assistance I got her into my arms comfortably and I carried into the room. This was the calmest she had ever been in a vet's office. Usually she is all nerves, unable to sit, panting and shaking. This time she just lay there. Head between her paws. Dad and I said our tearful goodbyes as they prepped her for the injections. I just held her head and pet her as they injected the anesthetic and then the other to stop her heart. We spent a few more moments there saying goodbye again. I took her collar off of her, pet her and then forced myself to walk away. I got into my car and cried some more.

I stayed away from my parents house for about an hour. It was intentional as I knew she wouldn't be greeting me. When I finally did go there there was a huge emptiness. She wasn't laying on the couch where she usually kept watch then trying to sneakily get off before anyone could see but her white fur left behind on the red couch was always her give away. She wasn't in laying on her bed by the fire place. There was just a screaming silence and gaping void. I know I did the best thing and didn't let her suffer but at the same time my mind tells me that I'm the worst 'mother' and I killed my child. 

This is what I have been wrestling with the past 2 days. It is worse when I am alone. My thoughts take over and I start to cry again. I know the pain will eventually subside. But right now it is so raw. I'm sorry if this has been hard to read but I had to elaborate what I have experienced. It is how I work through things. As I have been writing the tears have been falling, but I know they will slow and eventually stop and I'll be able to think of the happy times I had with Kaisey once again. I loved her so much. I had had her since she was 5 weeks old. And she pretty much slept in my bed from the first day until she couldn't jump up into my bed any longer (shortly before I moved to Reno). I miss her like crazy!