Broken Hearted

38th Parallel - You Are My God (partial lyrics) (Album: Turn the Tides)

These small eyes of mine can't see past this one season 

But Your eyes see what mine cannot see 

You are my God 

You are life 

You are the strength I need 

You are the love surrounding broken hearts 

You set me free 

Show me Your eyes 

Show me Your mind 

Show me what You see 

Show me Your eyes 

Show me Your mind 

Show me all I need

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I first heard the lyrics from above in 2002 when I stumbled upon this album in a Christian bookstore. Today they hit home more than they ever have. I have been broken hearted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt 'whole'. Not broken hearted as the world sees it. No one broke my heart. I wasn't in love with someone that broke my heart. I am broken hearted in the sense that I have not been loving God in the way I should. My heart has not been whole because I haven't been chasing after God. I became broken the day that I became content in where I was, not wanting to strive for more, sitting still in my spiritual life, not running the race that has been set before me. I have let everything pass me by. 

If you have read my previous post you will know what has been going through my mind and the questions that I have been dealing with. Tonight God got my attention. He started to show me the reasons why I have not been satisfied. Why I haven't been able to be happy with myself. Why I have been feeling broken and insecure. As I look back I can see the times when I was the happiest and not concerned with what I look like on the outside was when I was chasing after God and working on the things of the inside. It wasn't in a split second that I stopped chasing. It was a slow progression. So slow that I really didn't even notice it was happening. Then a couple weeks ago I woke up to the reality that I was not happy with who I am and what I look like. But in order for me to happy and content with who I am as a person I have to be looking through God's eyes. He has to be the one to show me what He sees in me. Who I am to Him. I mentioned that when I look into the mirror I see someone that isn't worth anything to anyone, but that can never be true. Even if I didn't mean anything to anyone here on Earth, I mean everything to my Maker. He created me. I have scarred and marked this body and haven't followed Him through everything but He still loves me. He sees me as His child, His princess, His love. 

I recently got a tattoo that says, "Every scar is a choice you make, Every choice is a vow you take." Every tattoo or scar that I have on my body has a story to tell. The reasoning behind this one you ask? HEALING.... Maybe one day I will open enough to tell the full story that led to this and why I needed the healing to happen but that's a different story that I'm not willing to share at this point in time. Why? Because I am still healing and the scars are still raw. 

You may be asking why I even mentioned the tattoo if I'm not willing to share the whole story... HEALING. My therapy is my writing. Sharing my story. Thinking out loud. Everyone processes and expresses things differently. I do mine through writing. Yes I started this blog as a 'weight loss tracker' but the weight loss is only part of my story. So, this is MY JOURNEY of life. The ups and downs, in and outs, broken heart and mending it, weight loss and workouts, and every thing in between.