Life Got In The Way

Yet again, I have let my life get in my way. Letting myself lax on my eating plan and my exercise plan.

Why can't I stick to something?
Why do I let myself side back to where I know I don't want to be?
Do I really not care?
Am I willing to give up everything that has brought me this far?

NO, I'm not willing to give it all up.
I DO care.
I DON'T want to be back to where I was.
I WILL NOT let myself go back to my old self.
I WILL find something that works for me and that I can stick to NO MATTER WHAT.

Life throws different things at us all and I need to learn how to work with those changes. Not let it throw me off. I need to learn to make those changes work to my advantage. To take time for me.

I am a work in progress

At the Bottom Again

So, I think I have hit rock bottom again. When I say again, the first time was when I was 296lbs at my heaviest and couldn't take it any more. This time it has come with the realization that if I don't start doing what I need to do I will never make my goal timing or goal weight. I just finished Jillian's book Winning by Losing. Amazing information in that book, I encourage anyone that is over weight to read it. She has worked wonders with so many people. People that are almost two time heavier than what I was at my heaviest are 170lbs lighter 5 months from the date that they start training with her. I know that this is on the Biggest loser and they work out 6-8 hours a day and those numbers aren't quite real for me. But here it is the 5th of July and I have not logged a single food for 2 weeks. I haven't been keeping track of what I have been putting into my body. I have pretty much been on bad food vacation mode. Granted I'm staying away from meat and my allergy triggers but I'm finding every loop hole that I have been able to. Ever since the middle of June I have been having trouble getting back into a good sleep, work, workout routine. All of my days just run together and I don't have time for anything. Time to revamp my eating and workout routine. Sleep has been my biggest enemy lately. Not wanting to wake up, sleeping too long and then being groggy the rest of the night due to all of the factors of sleep, food and exercise.
I can't wait to be on swing shift so I can have a more normal sleeping schedule and can have a set schedule of work outs and food. I will weigh in tomorrow and see what the damage is on the scale and I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm off to read some more. Starting Jillian's book Making the Cut.

The Shell of the Transforming Me

Good morning! It's 0400 hrs on my day off and no I have not been to bed yet. Went to the Reno Rodeo tonight. Got some cool photos (I'll be posting on my facebook later.) After the rodeo I went and hung out at my friends house for a bit. In sitting there talking with her husband and she, I said something that put my view of my body down. It's nothing different then I've said before. But something came to mind that I read in Jillian Michaels book. In this book she asks the question, Do you have a negative self-image? Do you constantly say things like, "I'm fat and ugly," or do you pick yourself apart and beat yourself up when you look in the mirror?

To be honest, I don't know of a day where I haven't put myself down. How sad is that?

Jillian then goes on to ask, How is this negativity serving you? Is what you say about yourself really the truth? What is the purpose? Is it a defense mechanism, and if so, against what? Are you just making complicated excuses? How does this kind of negativity help you achieve your goals?

I have said I am ugly and fat for so long that I ended up believing myself and I think I let that define me more than my personality defining me. I believed it so much that I could have introduced myself as Elle, the fat and ugly one. I know I still have things to work on and I will never be the perfect image that I have in my head.

Jillian also talks about reversing those negative thoughts about yourself. Instead of putting yourself down (setting yourself up to fail before you begin) she says to change those into positive statements. The more you say them, the more you will believe them and the more you become them.

So, instead of calling myself fat and ugly, I will now say I am a skinnier version of the old me, a work in progress. I don't know if I just want to be a skinnier version of the old me.... Let's see... I could be the skinnier shell of a transforming Elle.

I will now be more aware of how I label myself. Because in the old label that I had for myself, I was setting myself up for failure. Yes, I did lose 60lbs while saying that, but then the weight stopped falling off. I am going to start believing that I can do this life change. I am going to start going to the gym again. And I have a hill out in front of our house that I am going to climb this weekend.

Life is changing for the better in my personal life. I am changing things, cleaning things out of my life physically, emotionally and mentally.

I believe that I can hit my goals. I am going to do the things I have set out to do.

Journey

So, I have been keeping track of my weight loss journey on my Facebook, but recently my friend Crystal told me I should start a blog about it. In keeping this blog, I will be held accountable not only to myself but from those of you who read my blog. I'll be posting my current progress, pictures and foods eaten... There will probably other things filling this page as well. Such as things that I'm learning on this journey. I hope you stay tuned as I am traveling this road that God has set before me.

I am currently reading Winning By Losing by Jillian Michaels. The following are some quotes from the book.

"Embrace your perceived imperfections - they make you unique - and love who you are. It is the only way to move forward."

"As you are envisioning the changes in your future, you must begin to let go of your past."

"The key to success s having a game plan for every situation that might throw you off course."

                                                        May 2008 - San Francisco
                                                            My heaviest weight