Tough Choices

Kaisey

6/7/97 - 6/16-11

This week I had to make the hardest decision that I have had to make to date. I got a phone call from my mom Wednesday evening telling me that Kaisey wasn't doing very well. So, I drove up to Truckee that night. When I got there, there was not the normal greeting that I receive. I walked through the house to the family room and there she was, laying on the floor. No wagging tail, no perky ears; just laying there with labored breathing and a distended stomach. I laid down on the floor with her. As I laid there petting her her and talking to her, I just cried and prayed that God would take her peacefully that night. I didn't sleep at all, we just laid there. At one point she tried to get up but her hind legs couldn't support her and she fell back down. 

Morning came and Kaisey finally decided she was wanting to change locations so I helped her up and she staggered into the living room and laid down. I was going to try to get some sleep so I stayed in the family room. I couldn't sleep so I ended up checking on her every 15 minutes. She was seeming to deteriorate in front of my eyes. So, I called the vet around 730 and made the decision. Her appointment was set for 11 am so I had some more time to just sit and be with her. I took her outside at one point to go to the bathroom. as she wandered out into the trees, her back legs couldn't support her and her back end just collapsed. I walked out there, picked her back legs up and helped her back into the house. Emily came over and said her goodbyes. Mom said her goodbyes before she took Logan on a walk. Dad came home around 10. We both sat with her and talked to her. Then came time to load her up. I got her up and we walked out the back so she wouldn't have to try to make it down the front steps. Once at the car, I picked her up and loaded her in the back seat. She didn't move she laid exactly where I put her. As I was driving to the vet I just pet her and talked to her. There was many tears that fell between my house and the vet. 

When we got to the vet, I went in and got everything situated. Then went back to the car to get her. As I unloaded her, she didn't resist anything. I got her out of the car and put her down, even with assistance she couldn't walk any more. With my dad's assistance I got her into my arms comfortably and I carried into the room. This was the calmest she had ever been in a vet's office. Usually she is all nerves, unable to sit, panting and shaking. This time she just lay there. Head between her paws. Dad and I said our tearful goodbyes as they prepped her for the injections. I just held her head and pet her as they injected the anesthetic and then the other to stop her heart. We spent a few more moments there saying goodbye again. I took her collar off of her, pet her and then forced myself to walk away. I got into my car and cried some more.

I stayed away from my parents house for about an hour. It was intentional as I knew she wouldn't be greeting me. When I finally did go there there was a huge emptiness. She wasn't laying on the couch where she usually kept watch then trying to sneakily get off before anyone could see but her white fur left behind on the red couch was always her give away. She wasn't in laying on her bed by the fire place. There was just a screaming silence and gaping void. I know I did the best thing and didn't let her suffer but at the same time my mind tells me that I'm the worst 'mother' and I killed my child. 

This is what I have been wrestling with the past 2 days. It is worse when I am alone. My thoughts take over and I start to cry again. I know the pain will eventually subside. But right now it is so raw. I'm sorry if this has been hard to read but I had to elaborate what I have experienced. It is how I work through things. As I have been writing the tears have been falling, but I know they will slow and eventually stop and I'll be able to think of the happy times I had with Kaisey once again. I loved her so much. I had had her since she was 5 weeks old. And she pretty much slept in my bed from the first day until she couldn't jump up into my bed any longer (shortly before I moved to Reno). I miss her like crazy!

Broken Hearted

38th Parallel - You Are My God (partial lyrics) (Album: Turn the Tides)

These small eyes of mine can't see past this one season 

But Your eyes see what mine cannot see 

You are my God 

You are life 

You are the strength I need 

You are the love surrounding broken hearts 

You set me free 

Show me Your eyes 

Show me Your mind 

Show me what You see 

Show me Your eyes 

Show me Your mind 

Show me all I need

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I first heard the lyrics from above in 2002 when I stumbled upon this album in a Christian bookstore. Today they hit home more than they ever have. I have been broken hearted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt 'whole'. Not broken hearted as the world sees it. No one broke my heart. I wasn't in love with someone that broke my heart. I am broken hearted in the sense that I have not been loving God in the way I should. My heart has not been whole because I haven't been chasing after God. I became broken the day that I became content in where I was, not wanting to strive for more, sitting still in my spiritual life, not running the race that has been set before me. I have let everything pass me by. 

If you have read my previous post you will know what has been going through my mind and the questions that I have been dealing with. Tonight God got my attention. He started to show me the reasons why I have not been satisfied. Why I haven't been able to be happy with myself. Why I have been feeling broken and insecure. As I look back I can see the times when I was the happiest and not concerned with what I look like on the outside was when I was chasing after God and working on the things of the inside. It wasn't in a split second that I stopped chasing. It was a slow progression. So slow that I really didn't even notice it was happening. Then a couple weeks ago I woke up to the reality that I was not happy with who I am and what I look like. But in order for me to happy and content with who I am as a person I have to be looking through God's eyes. He has to be the one to show me what He sees in me. Who I am to Him. I mentioned that when I look into the mirror I see someone that isn't worth anything to anyone, but that can never be true. Even if I didn't mean anything to anyone here on Earth, I mean everything to my Maker. He created me. I have scarred and marked this body and haven't followed Him through everything but He still loves me. He sees me as His child, His princess, His love. 

I recently got a tattoo that says, "Every scar is a choice you make, Every choice is a vow you take." Every tattoo or scar that I have on my body has a story to tell. The reasoning behind this one you ask? HEALING.... Maybe one day I will open enough to tell the full story that led to this and why I needed the healing to happen but that's a different story that I'm not willing to share at this point in time. Why? Because I am still healing and the scars are still raw. 

You may be asking why I even mentioned the tattoo if I'm not willing to share the whole story... HEALING. My therapy is my writing. Sharing my story. Thinking out loud. Everyone processes and expresses things differently. I do mine through writing. Yes I started this blog as a 'weight loss tracker' but the weight loss is only part of my story. So, this is MY JOURNEY of life. The ups and downs, in and outs, broken heart and mending it, weight loss and workouts, and every thing in between. 

The Mirror

Look into the mirror. What does it tell you? You want to know what I see when I look at me?

I see fat.
I see someone who isn't worth it.
I see ugliness.

I know people tell me that I am beautiful, and not fat. but I don't see it when I see myself.

When will my self image change? If or when I get skinny? Will I ever get to that place where I am happy with who I am? Is anyone ever happy with who they are? I hope so. Or are we all living a lie, saying that we are happy when we truly aren't?

What is the secret? Can anyone share it with me? The secret to wight loss? The secret to finding love? The secret to life? Have you found it? Cause I sure haven't. Will I ever? What is in store for my future? More heartache? More time spent being fat? More money spent in trying to find happiness? Will this vicious cycle ever end? Will I find someone who loves me for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Will I find out how to lose the weight and keep it off? Will I ever find a way to be happy with me?

Can I be happy with who I am and where I am in life? Can I make myself happy?

Do people really see beauty in me? Do they really look past the exterior and see who I am and not just my weight and what I look like on the outside? Or do they let my weight define me?

These are just some of the questions that I have been dealing with lately. I don't have the answers and I don't know if I ever will.

I try my hardest to not see me in the mirror. I try to see the person that I can be. The person underneath the smile. Underneath the fat that has 'protected' me in some demented way. Do I stay this way because it's safe? Is it my security blanket? Do I hold onto it for a reason? If so what is it? Is it something that I have inflicted on myself? Do I think I deserve to stay this way? What is it that started this downward spiral?

I hope one day I can face the answers head on. Deal with them and then move on.

Every Scar

Well, Here I am yet again. Almost one month post-op from a 2nd knee surgery (same knee). Physical Therapy has been great this time around and I'm recovering much faster than my surgery a year and a half ago. Just waiting for the 'okay' to get back in the gym. This time around will be different though. 60-75% of my exercising is going to have to be on bike for at least a year. I hate bike. I would much rather be doing elliptical, running, even weights; but I want to heal well this time around. I think I could have avoided the second surgery if this would have been explained to me the first time around.