The Mirror

Look into the mirror. What does it tell you? You want to know what I see when I look at me?

I see fat.
I see someone who isn't worth it.
I see ugliness.

I know people tell me that I am beautiful, and not fat. but I don't see it when I see myself.

When will my self image change? If or when I get skinny? Will I ever get to that place where I am happy with who I am? Is anyone ever happy with who they are? I hope so. Or are we all living a lie, saying that we are happy when we truly aren't?

What is the secret? Can anyone share it with me? The secret to wight loss? The secret to finding love? The secret to life? Have you found it? Cause I sure haven't. Will I ever? What is in store for my future? More heartache? More time spent being fat? More money spent in trying to find happiness? Will this vicious cycle ever end? Will I find someone who loves me for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Will I find out how to lose the weight and keep it off? Will I ever find a way to be happy with me?

Can I be happy with who I am and where I am in life? Can I make myself happy?

Do people really see beauty in me? Do they really look past the exterior and see who I am and not just my weight and what I look like on the outside? Or do they let my weight define me?

These are just some of the questions that I have been dealing with lately. I don't have the answers and I don't know if I ever will.

I try my hardest to not see me in the mirror. I try to see the person that I can be. The person underneath the smile. Underneath the fat that has 'protected' me in some demented way. Do I stay this way because it's safe? Is it my security blanket? Do I hold onto it for a reason? If so what is it? Is it something that I have inflicted on myself? Do I think I deserve to stay this way? What is it that started this downward spiral?

I hope one day I can face the answers head on. Deal with them and then move on.