The Mirror

Look into the mirror. What does it tell you? You want to know what I see when I look at me?

I see fat.
I see someone who isn't worth it.
I see ugliness.

I know people tell me that I am beautiful, and not fat. but I don't see it when I see myself.

When will my self image change? If or when I get skinny? Will I ever get to that place where I am happy with who I am? Is anyone ever happy with who they are? I hope so. Or are we all living a lie, saying that we are happy when we truly aren't?

What is the secret? Can anyone share it with me? The secret to wight loss? The secret to finding love? The secret to life? Have you found it? Cause I sure haven't. Will I ever? What is in store for my future? More heartache? More time spent being fat? More money spent in trying to find happiness? Will this vicious cycle ever end? Will I find someone who loves me for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Will I find out how to lose the weight and keep it off? Will I ever find a way to be happy with me?

Can I be happy with who I am and where I am in life? Can I make myself happy?

Do people really see beauty in me? Do they really look past the exterior and see who I am and not just my weight and what I look like on the outside? Or do they let my weight define me?

These are just some of the questions that I have been dealing with lately. I don't have the answers and I don't know if I ever will.

I try my hardest to not see me in the mirror. I try to see the person that I can be. The person underneath the smile. Underneath the fat that has 'protected' me in some demented way. Do I stay this way because it's safe? Is it my security blanket? Do I hold onto it for a reason? If so what is it? Is it something that I have inflicted on myself? Do I think I deserve to stay this way? What is it that started this downward spiral?

I hope one day I can face the answers head on. Deal with them and then move on.

Every Scar

Well, Here I am yet again. Almost one month post-op from a 2nd knee surgery (same knee). Physical Therapy has been great this time around and I'm recovering much faster than my surgery a year and a half ago. Just waiting for the 'okay' to get back in the gym. This time around will be different though. 60-75% of my exercising is going to have to be on bike for at least a year. I hate bike. I would much rather be doing elliptical, running, even weights; but I want to heal well this time around. I think I could have avoided the second surgery if this would have been explained to me the first time around.

Life Got In The Way

Yet again, I have let my life get in my way. Letting myself lax on my eating plan and my exercise plan.

Why can't I stick to something?
Why do I let myself side back to where I know I don't want to be?
Do I really not care?
Am I willing to give up everything that has brought me this far?

NO, I'm not willing to give it all up.
I DO care.
I DON'T want to be back to where I was.
I WILL NOT let myself go back to my old self.
I WILL find something that works for me and that I can stick to NO MATTER WHAT.

Life throws different things at us all and I need to learn how to work with those changes. Not let it throw me off. I need to learn to make those changes work to my advantage. To take time for me.

I am a work in progress

At the Bottom Again

So, I think I have hit rock bottom again. When I say again, the first time was when I was 296lbs at my heaviest and couldn't take it any more. This time it has come with the realization that if I don't start doing what I need to do I will never make my goal timing or goal weight. I just finished Jillian's book Winning by Losing. Amazing information in that book, I encourage anyone that is over weight to read it. She has worked wonders with so many people. People that are almost two time heavier than what I was at my heaviest are 170lbs lighter 5 months from the date that they start training with her. I know that this is on the Biggest loser and they work out 6-8 hours a day and those numbers aren't quite real for me. But here it is the 5th of July and I have not logged a single food for 2 weeks. I haven't been keeping track of what I have been putting into my body. I have pretty much been on bad food vacation mode. Granted I'm staying away from meat and my allergy triggers but I'm finding every loop hole that I have been able to. Ever since the middle of June I have been having trouble getting back into a good sleep, work, workout routine. All of my days just run together and I don't have time for anything. Time to revamp my eating and workout routine. Sleep has been my biggest enemy lately. Not wanting to wake up, sleeping too long and then being groggy the rest of the night due to all of the factors of sleep, food and exercise.
I can't wait to be on swing shift so I can have a more normal sleeping schedule and can have a set schedule of work outs and food. I will weigh in tomorrow and see what the damage is on the scale and I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm off to read some more. Starting Jillian's book Making the Cut.

The Shell of the Transforming Me

Good morning! It's 0400 hrs on my day off and no I have not been to bed yet. Went to the Reno Rodeo tonight. Got some cool photos (I'll be posting on my facebook later.) After the rodeo I went and hung out at my friends house for a bit. In sitting there talking with her husband and she, I said something that put my view of my body down. It's nothing different then I've said before. But something came to mind that I read in Jillian Michaels book. In this book she asks the question, Do you have a negative self-image? Do you constantly say things like, "I'm fat and ugly," or do you pick yourself apart and beat yourself up when you look in the mirror?

To be honest, I don't know of a day where I haven't put myself down. How sad is that?

Jillian then goes on to ask, How is this negativity serving you? Is what you say about yourself really the truth? What is the purpose? Is it a defense mechanism, and if so, against what? Are you just making complicated excuses? How does this kind of negativity help you achieve your goals?

I have said I am ugly and fat for so long that I ended up believing myself and I think I let that define me more than my personality defining me. I believed it so much that I could have introduced myself as Elle, the fat and ugly one. I know I still have things to work on and I will never be the perfect image that I have in my head.

Jillian also talks about reversing those negative thoughts about yourself. Instead of putting yourself down (setting yourself up to fail before you begin) she says to change those into positive statements. The more you say them, the more you will believe them and the more you become them.

So, instead of calling myself fat and ugly, I will now say I am a skinnier version of the old me, a work in progress. I don't know if I just want to be a skinnier version of the old me.... Let's see... I could be the skinnier shell of a transforming Elle.

I will now be more aware of how I label myself. Because in the old label that I had for myself, I was setting myself up for failure. Yes, I did lose 60lbs while saying that, but then the weight stopped falling off. I am going to start believing that I can do this life change. I am going to start going to the gym again. And I have a hill out in front of our house that I am going to climb this weekend.

Life is changing for the better in my personal life. I am changing things, cleaning things out of my life physically, emotionally and mentally.

I believe that I can hit my goals. I am going to do the things I have set out to do.

Journey

So, I have been keeping track of my weight loss journey on my Facebook, but recently my friend Crystal told me I should start a blog about it. In keeping this blog, I will be held accountable not only to myself but from those of you who read my blog. I'll be posting my current progress, pictures and foods eaten... There will probably other things filling this page as well. Such as things that I'm learning on this journey. I hope you stay tuned as I am traveling this road that God has set before me.

I am currently reading Winning By Losing by Jillian Michaels. The following are some quotes from the book.

"Embrace your perceived imperfections - they make you unique - and love who you are. It is the only way to move forward."

"As you are envisioning the changes in your future, you must begin to let go of your past."

"The key to success s having a game plan for every situation that might throw you off course."

                                                        May 2008 - San Francisco
                                                            My heaviest weight