Back On Track

HCG Phase 2 Day 1

Gained some of my weight back but that happens when you aren't careful with what you eat and you aren't going to the gym to work off those calories. I weighed in on Monday at 256.6 and this morning at 253.6.

Had a great work out today. Little bit of cardio and then some circuit training. Will be going in the morning when I get off work. And then hopefully back for mat pilates at 430pm. I am feeling great and loving being back on this regiment. I am upping the normal 500 calories a day to give myself fuel so I don't crash during my work outs. Will be keeping you posted on my journey and will be posting some motivational info for all to enjoy and hopefully take something with you as well.

Day 16

Day 16 .... 24 to go
Weight: 231.4
Lost: 14.8

Life is so amazing right now. I am amazed with my weightloss progress. I'm happy with who I am, happy with what I look like and amazed that a wonderful man found me. I'm in awe of how life has come together lately. Six months ago if you would have asked me if I could see myself at the lowest weight I can remember, happy with myself and in a great relationship, I probably would have laughed at you. But now I can't imagine my life any differently.
It is mind blowing how much life can change in 6 months. Not only mind and outlooks but physically as well. I saw a friend today that I have not seen in almost a month. She was blown away at my physical change with my weight loss. I don't see it really I guess but in seeing her reaction I know something is changing.
I am not as strict this cycle but I know the scale is still going down every time I step on it. But the thing is.... I'm not worried about the numbers on the scale. Even though it is very nice to see those numbers continue to drop, I am more worried about how I see myself and how I feel. I am still dealing with issues with my knee but other than that I feel better than I have in a very long time. I have energy, I want to get out and do things. I actually went clothes shopping the other day. I have not gone clothes shopping in a long time. My body has changed and my clothes aren't fitting anymore.... The best thing is is that I am having to go buy smaller clothes and not bigger.
40 days.... That seems like a long time when just talking about it. What can you accomplish in 40 days? If you are asking me.... I can change my life for the better. Mind, Body and Soul.

Words Cannot Express!

Day 8... 32 to go.
Weight: 235.0
Total Lbs lost: 11.2

Today I hit a milestone in my journey. I am offically under 236. That may not mean anything to you, but to me it is HUGE! I don't remember I time where I would step on the scale and see anything less than 236. Today I have finally realized that I AM changing my life. Not only getting healthier, but learning lessons on life a long the way. All the days leading up to this, I knew where I wanted to be but it was always looked at as something in the distant future. Today it hit me that this is my here and now. This is who I am today but tomorrow I will be someone a little different, a little better. I'm not just talking about weight. I'm talking about life as well. Inspite of all the bad decisions I have made in my past, I love where I am in my life and who I have become.

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."

                                Ralph Waldo Emerson

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."

                                                                                                  I have found my key.
                                                                                      

Loving All Life Has To Give

Life.... Has a crazy way of keeping me guessing on what's coming next. Life has been keeping me on my toes lately. This last month has had it's ups and downs. Even though the downs have been emotionally and financially draining, the ups have taken me to cloud nine.

I am looking forward to what the months to come have in store.

Today I started Phase 2 of my weight loss protocol. 39 days to go. Last round I was able to lose 30lbs. in 40 days. This time around I'm hoping to hit 35lbs or more in the same amount of time. I am hoping to write everyday as to have a journal of my own, but I will be posting it on here so that you can share this time with me. I'm not sure how many people actually follow this but I will at least not feel like I am alone in this journey. And this will keep me accountable in sticking with protocol. Day One of 'Loading' I weighed in at 246.2. I haven't been able to weigh in since. We will see what tomorrow has in store.

Everyone asked me last time, 'How can you stay so strict for 40 days?'. My response? It's only 40 days out of a lifetime. It's 40 days to become a healthier me. It's 40 days closer to me being happier with what I look like. I am happy with who I am and where I am in life, I want my outside to reflect the person inside. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see how I feel inside. It's 40 days to be transformed.

Leaps and Bounds

Before I had knee surgery I was down on myself and eating whatever I wanted. The result? Gaining weight. Imagine that. ;0)

Since knee surgery I had been doing physical therapy and staying active. 26 days ago some co-workers and i started a new eating plan. I have since lost 23.8 lbs as of this morning. I finished physical therapy last week and joined Eagle fitness this week. I will be mainly using stationary bike, doing squats and various other floor and exercise ball techniques that I learned while doing physical therapy. I have learned new ways to work out with less impact on my knee and also how everything is connected. I can't just work my knee and then be done. I have to work my calves, quads, hips, glutes, obliques and abs. All of those are connected and aid in my recovery.

My weight loss is also going to aid in my recovery. Not only for my knee but for me as a whole. I want to be happy when I look in the mirror. I want to see the beauty that other people see in me. People have told me that they can already see the change taking place in my physical body. I know it's there I just can't see it. I am aiming for at least another 10lbs of weight loss in the 16 days that I have left of this stage of the eating plan. If I exceed the 10lbs I will be the lightest I have been since about high school. Life has changed a lot in the last 6 months and I am loving every minute of it right now.

I am going to try to keep this blog more current because my journey is rolling along and I want to look back and remember these times.

Thank you all for keeping up with me and reading what has been going on in my life.

Tough Choices

Kaisey

6/7/97 - 6/16-11

This week I had to make the hardest decision that I have had to make to date. I got a phone call from my mom Wednesday evening telling me that Kaisey wasn't doing very well. So, I drove up to Truckee that night. When I got there, there was not the normal greeting that I receive. I walked through the house to the family room and there she was, laying on the floor. No wagging tail, no perky ears; just laying there with labored breathing and a distended stomach. I laid down on the floor with her. As I laid there petting her her and talking to her, I just cried and prayed that God would take her peacefully that night. I didn't sleep at all, we just laid there. At one point she tried to get up but her hind legs couldn't support her and she fell back down. 

Morning came and Kaisey finally decided she was wanting to change locations so I helped her up and she staggered into the living room and laid down. I was going to try to get some sleep so I stayed in the family room. I couldn't sleep so I ended up checking on her every 15 minutes. She was seeming to deteriorate in front of my eyes. So, I called the vet around 730 and made the decision. Her appointment was set for 11 am so I had some more time to just sit and be with her. I took her outside at one point to go to the bathroom. as she wandered out into the trees, her back legs couldn't support her and her back end just collapsed. I walked out there, picked her back legs up and helped her back into the house. Emily came over and said her goodbyes. Mom said her goodbyes before she took Logan on a walk. Dad came home around 10. We both sat with her and talked to her. Then came time to load her up. I got her up and we walked out the back so she wouldn't have to try to make it down the front steps. Once at the car, I picked her up and loaded her in the back seat. She didn't move she laid exactly where I put her. As I was driving to the vet I just pet her and talked to her. There was many tears that fell between my house and the vet. 

When we got to the vet, I went in and got everything situated. Then went back to the car to get her. As I unloaded her, she didn't resist anything. I got her out of the car and put her down, even with assistance she couldn't walk any more. With my dad's assistance I got her into my arms comfortably and I carried into the room. This was the calmest she had ever been in a vet's office. Usually she is all nerves, unable to sit, panting and shaking. This time she just lay there. Head between her paws. Dad and I said our tearful goodbyes as they prepped her for the injections. I just held her head and pet her as they injected the anesthetic and then the other to stop her heart. We spent a few more moments there saying goodbye again. I took her collar off of her, pet her and then forced myself to walk away. I got into my car and cried some more.

I stayed away from my parents house for about an hour. It was intentional as I knew she wouldn't be greeting me. When I finally did go there there was a huge emptiness. She wasn't laying on the couch where she usually kept watch then trying to sneakily get off before anyone could see but her white fur left behind on the red couch was always her give away. She wasn't in laying on her bed by the fire place. There was just a screaming silence and gaping void. I know I did the best thing and didn't let her suffer but at the same time my mind tells me that I'm the worst 'mother' and I killed my child. 

This is what I have been wrestling with the past 2 days. It is worse when I am alone. My thoughts take over and I start to cry again. I know the pain will eventually subside. But right now it is so raw. I'm sorry if this has been hard to read but I had to elaborate what I have experienced. It is how I work through things. As I have been writing the tears have been falling, but I know they will slow and eventually stop and I'll be able to think of the happy times I had with Kaisey once again. I loved her so much. I had had her since she was 5 weeks old. And she pretty much slept in my bed from the first day until she couldn't jump up into my bed any longer (shortly before I moved to Reno). I miss her like crazy!

Broken Hearted

38th Parallel - You Are My God (partial lyrics) (Album: Turn the Tides)

These small eyes of mine can't see past this one season 

But Your eyes see what mine cannot see 

You are my God 

You are life 

You are the strength I need 

You are the love surrounding broken hearts 

You set me free 

Show me Your eyes 

Show me Your mind 

Show me what You see 

Show me Your eyes 

Show me Your mind 

Show me all I need

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I first heard the lyrics from above in 2002 when I stumbled upon this album in a Christian bookstore. Today they hit home more than they ever have. I have been broken hearted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt 'whole'. Not broken hearted as the world sees it. No one broke my heart. I wasn't in love with someone that broke my heart. I am broken hearted in the sense that I have not been loving God in the way I should. My heart has not been whole because I haven't been chasing after God. I became broken the day that I became content in where I was, not wanting to strive for more, sitting still in my spiritual life, not running the race that has been set before me. I have let everything pass me by. 

If you have read my previous post you will know what has been going through my mind and the questions that I have been dealing with. Tonight God got my attention. He started to show me the reasons why I have not been satisfied. Why I haven't been able to be happy with myself. Why I have been feeling broken and insecure. As I look back I can see the times when I was the happiest and not concerned with what I look like on the outside was when I was chasing after God and working on the things of the inside. It wasn't in a split second that I stopped chasing. It was a slow progression. So slow that I really didn't even notice it was happening. Then a couple weeks ago I woke up to the reality that I was not happy with who I am and what I look like. But in order for me to happy and content with who I am as a person I have to be looking through God's eyes. He has to be the one to show me what He sees in me. Who I am to Him. I mentioned that when I look into the mirror I see someone that isn't worth anything to anyone, but that can never be true. Even if I didn't mean anything to anyone here on Earth, I mean everything to my Maker. He created me. I have scarred and marked this body and haven't followed Him through everything but He still loves me. He sees me as His child, His princess, His love. 

I recently got a tattoo that says, "Every scar is a choice you make, Every choice is a vow you take." Every tattoo or scar that I have on my body has a story to tell. The reasoning behind this one you ask? HEALING.... Maybe one day I will open enough to tell the full story that led to this and why I needed the healing to happen but that's a different story that I'm not willing to share at this point in time. Why? Because I am still healing and the scars are still raw. 

You may be asking why I even mentioned the tattoo if I'm not willing to share the whole story... HEALING. My therapy is my writing. Sharing my story. Thinking out loud. Everyone processes and expresses things differently. I do mine through writing. Yes I started this blog as a 'weight loss tracker' but the weight loss is only part of my story. So, this is MY JOURNEY of life. The ups and downs, in and outs, broken heart and mending it, weight loss and workouts, and every thing in between.